The queen of the all female planet, Vulkaria, has passed away but not before appointing her second daughter, Ovule, as the new queen. Her sister, Curette, is angered by this decision believing that she is the rightful heir to the thrown and attempts to stage a coup. Ovule is able to escapes to Earth but is soon pursued by Curette and her minions. Now Ovule has to rely on the help of Bob to try and get back home while they avoid both Curette and the cops.
While I didn’t have the luxury of catching “Princess Warrior” on late-night cable (back when you could actually catch interesting b-movies on cable) I had to settle waiting on finding a cheap physical release. It’s been on my wish-list for some time now because, let’s be honest, that cover is amazing; it manages to be both completely shitty but captivating at the same time. As great as the cover is, I was wary of the content, which is why I waited until the price was at a point where I felt like the only thing I paid for was the material used to produce the DVD at cost.
Which of course turned out to the right decision when it came to “Princess Warrior” since the movie was god awful, but not for the reason you might think. When it comes to b-movies the greatest cardinal sin you can commit is being boring and “Princess Warrior” is just so unbelievably goddamn boring. It’s bad as well, which is about the only expectation you could have for a movie like this, but I never would have guessed that it was going to be as dull as it was.
Everyone who watches b-movies understands that you can enjoy them for a multitude of reasons (irony being the primary choice, it seems), yet “Princess Warrior” manages to evade all of the possibilities of creating enjoyment for a viewer. Why? How? It’s simple really; because “Princess Warrior” was made for the sole purpose of…brace yourselves…making a quick buck.
Someone made a shitty a movie in order to make a quit profit?! Say it ain’t so! Shock and dismay!
I know. I know. It’s far from being a novel concept when there was a point in time when posters were made for films before the film had actually been made, just so the producers could sell something.
Then again, nothing has really changed. Except now you have “underground” filmmakers who offer pre-orders for limited-delux-ultra-rare-uber DVD editions of their movie, when they haven’t even made a movie yet. But I digress.
Back to the initial point — again, being nothing but a cash-in isn’t exclusively what makes “Princess Warrior” bad. It’s the fact that it’s so blatant within the actual movie itself is what makes it bad. There is not a single scene in this movie where it looks like anyone involved gave a single fuck about what they were doing. Quite frankly, I’m astonished that the camera operator could be bothered to hold up the camera and keep everyone in frame. Sure, the fact that no one cared could make it interesting or entertaining but it doesn’t. “Princess Warrior” is like a vacuum; it sucks the potential for entertainment out of every possibility leaving you only with this 83-minute void of nothingness.
That’s what makes the movie so frustrating it hindsight. It had the ability to be a hilarious piece of muck that was raked from the bottom of a dumpster. In general, you have a movie where interstellar Amazons cause a ruckus on earth while running around in Jazzercise spandex — it’s so stupid that the jokes practically write themselves. Instead of laughing at or with the movie, you’re left feeling disgusted because you know you’ve been swindled. There’s no joy to be found because the movie isn’t failing due to budget restraints or someone’s misguided filmmaking ambition. It’s because no one is trying to actually make a movie in “Princess Warrior”. Worst of all they don’t try to hide that fact.
Every single scene makes it apparent that no one cared. That everything that’s in the movie is in there because it would help sell the movie in both the video and TV market. What’s worse is that almost 30-years later that scheme still works in pushing copies of “Princess Warrior”.
I don’t watch bad movies for the sake of irony. Bad movies have genuine qualities because you can appreciate someone trying to make something but they don’t have the knowledge or means to. Or better yet, you find someone who managed to be creative out of their limited resources and produce something that’s unexpected. “Princess Warrior” is a terrible movie but it’s not tied exclusively to the fact that no one cared. It’s because it had the ability to be fun and ridiculous, BUT because no one gave a damn, it’s horribly boring.